Relationship

Why do we stay in relationships that's doomed from the start. Do lies and betrayal go hand in hand with trust and commitment...
We trust them with all of our hearts, but they try and find ways to hurt us.
We love them, but it's never enough.
There's so many reasons to let go; and so many more reasons to stay.

And once again, it's like I'm climbing a tall, tall hill -- and never, ever reaching the peak.

But, the best thing about being a human being is, in my opinion, the ability to adapt and survive. We become so much stronger with every defeat; i guess with every loss, the view to the top becomes much more clearer.

I'd die for you.

Somewhere along the lines of maturation I have morphed into a lesser cynical and condescending human being. I guess when something good (which is very rare in my life) happens, you learn to appreciate things a whole lot more.

I've never been into big houses or expensive cars or a yacht or a glittery microphone (shoutout: Mariah Carey). So now I need to consider what to do with my money. I was never raised to over-spend; heck, my family started off poor as hell. I'm pretty content with having a laptop with almost-anywhere-internet-access, World of Warcraft (although I have so few time to play these days), a good book, and a nice apartment over looking the city. Obviously I'm not some billionaire, but I do know I need to pay it forward (is that the right saying? or is it pay it back, god.), I just don't know *what*. A few business moguls whom I've been talking to have persuaded me to get into financial investing and shit like that; that may be a good idea really, if worse comes to worse and I fall flat on my ass, I need to have at least a decent sum of money in the bank.

Was it Biggie Smalls, or was it Tupac that said, "mo' money mo' problems" -- too true.

Right now my manager is trying to branch me and a few other groups into the "western market". Gross. I'm pretty happy swarming through the Asian countries. Asian fans are very cute, I must admit. Breaking into the U.S market would be such an uphill climb. Minority within a minority within a minority. I'm happy to at least be able to talk *that* much about my life, besides, there's a bucket load of male Asian singers out there, and hell, all of them look gay. So I'm sweet as far as anonymity goes.

Another three weeks and I get a 1 week holiday, ahhh I can't wait!

Resurrected from the dead...

Well well well...

It has been over four months since my last post (a post which I was meant to follow up on...but failed to). So much has happened in my life... like a Cinderella story, really. Except I did not turn into a beautiful blonde heterosexual girl, and there is still no Prince Charming (yet...) in my life.

However, I must update everyone (my two readers; well, more like one... if I'm not including myself) that I have made a "splash" into the entertainment industry. I guess singing in my room/shower to myself for the last ten years paid off!

Of course with my new level of fame (I.e., I have one fan) I thought I could stop blogging completely, and pretend like I don't need to vent any longer -- as if my life suddenly became perfect. But as days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months, I realized I was becoming more and more lonely... I was away from my friends & family. In an industry where people watch - and critique - your each and every move, the prospect of living a "happy gay life" became more and more unrealistic.

It's ironic, really, I have another blog in which I interact with my "fans". And as I read my own posts and comments on that blog, I feel disgusted inside... I try so hard to sound not-like-me; I guess I'm just scared. Deep down I wish I could be open about being gay from the start... but now one thing has led to another (in regards to contracts, as well as other factors) and I'm just scared that if I come "out" now, everything that I have dreamed of and have been working for would crumble. With that in mind, it is no doubt that I respect artists who are "out" . Undoubtedly, the thought of coming "out" has crossed my mind several times... if I get disowned by the industry, I could always fall back on my degree (or go back and finish my Masters)... But I can't imagine myself working any other job...

I'm just very glad that the three-ish people that know I'm gay, are people that I can trust. I've only been on one date with a guy (see previous post) and I'm glad that we eventually became friends... and thus can keep a secret or two.

I was hesitant about blogging again, because it's actually pretty risky... I guess I need to choose very carefully what I talk about. Obviously, if I reveal too much someone can simply Wikipedia and join-the-dots; it ain't hard... Hopefully most of the readers will think I'm some delusional, miserable, crazy person and not believe a thing I say -- that wouldn't be too bad, really.

Although I must say, it feels nice to be able to be myself once in awhile, even if it's at a computer.

One last thing... it doesn't help my sexual frustration by being around cute guys (almost 24/7) and having to pretend to be a heterosexual. Yes, that girl over there, she's very hot. Groan.